Chapter 14. Ready - Made Speechlets, Toasts, Quotations, Anecdotes for Every Occasion

Selected From the World's Wit and Wisdom

To memorize these terse and witty sayings, stories, speechlets, etc., will place you in a position to entertain your friends on all occasions, and to be sought out among men for your spontaneous good humor and ability to interest and amuse at social or informal gatherings. The ability to do these things, to be popular, constitutes a first stepping stone in many a career of professional, political or business life.

INTRODUCTORY

Have you not been called upon for a few remarks and know by experience some of the embarrassments such a call entails?

The following series of speech lets, toasts, quotations, etc., embraces a pleasing variety of wit, humor, historical facts, anecdotes and wise sayings appropriate for all occasions. All successful speakers admit the great advantage of being prepared. Robert Ingersoll, one of the greatest orators that ever lived, denied there ever was impromptu speaking. He claims that all speeches of merit must be prepared. Few men make so many speeches as Chaun-cey Depew. He admits that he prepares his speeches in advance and goes loaded for the occasion, "Preparation is the real art of speaking to please," said Tom Marshall. "They tell of my astonishing bursts of eloquence. I simply write out my speech in full and commit it to memory."

"Having made a study of the methods of orators, I find few permit themselves to speak unless they have time to prepare, carefully revise and commit to memory their speeches." Quince's saying to Snug, in Midsummer Night's Dream to whom was assigned the lion's part in the play: "You may do it extempore, for it is nothing but roaring," may do for those satisfied with mere noise, but ideas and words to express them that are not thought out in advance by the speaker, are not likely to create favorable impression, or be thought of afterward by the hearer.

By the aid of the Dickson Method you will be enabled to memorize any of these speech lets in a very short time. Then when you are called upon you will be enabled to do yourself justice. To be well spoken is a strong point in your favor in many walks of life, in business, in society. The ability to speak, to debate and argue effectively is a most valuable asset and an indispensable requisite of success.

ABOUT FRATERNAL ORDERS

FRATERS ALL : Behind the clouds of the present time there is a bright ray of light flashing, and it flashes from the stars of the fraternal societies. Odd Fellows, Masons, Knights, be what they may, they all should have the common aim-the teaching of man's fellowship to man. What a pure doctrine is preached in the lodge thus: "Each for the other and God for us all," and we can thankfully say, more than preached, practiced, but not yet practiced enough. The fraternal orders smooth over with glorious impartiality the inequalities of life; brother is brother, though he be Dives or Lazarus.

Odd Fellows, Masons, Knights, Foresters, fraternal societies all, this is the real object of your pledges. By true adherence to your vows you could accomplish it, and see the peace and comfort brought By universal brotherhood.

It cannot be a delusive hope that we may yet see the time when the strong may recognize that they are but stewards of their strength for the care of the weak.

Fraternity never cast a shadow upon a home, never wounded a human heart and never wronged a human soul. It is never deaf to the cry of the needy, never blind to the wants of the deserving, and its broad and noble heart promptly responds to the call of the erring and a cry for help from any of its kind. It is one of the mighty forces to-day working toward the upbuilding of the race of men.

Let fraternity have the honor due for her great work of goodness. While at times it may seem to have limits, its general tendency is to broaden the human heart and make it capable of including in its sympathies all the race of men instead of those who are confined within the limits of the immediate organizations.

Fraternity strives to make men happier by making them better, and in this task she has enlisted a great army of hopeful workers, and year by year the work is moving forward toward the goal of its brightest dreams.

FRATERNITY, THE BROTHERHOOD OF MAN

In the Roman army of old the soldier carried a large oblong shield on his left arm. When a city was besieged the men in close rank locked their shields together over their heads and then marched in safety to the gate.

So is it, brethren, with such an organization as ours. One cannot contemplate, without great gratitude, the spirit which has united you. You lock your shields over your heads as you march against the vicissitudes, the trials and temptations of life, and not over your own heads alone, but others are sheltered beneath them. A comrade falls, but your locked shields ward off hardship and penury from his widow and her little ones.

A companion is prostrated with sickness, but he is cared for, and his wants are supplied from your Sick Benefit Fund. Thousands have been already, in the few years in which you have been organized, paid out to the widow and orphan, and hundreds when the provider of the family was laid aside by sickness. How many can testify to the timely help thus given-in the tender care bestowed in watching by the sick bed, and in provision being made for the daily need. There is another element which has a place in our Order, and one which needs cultivation to the very utmost, by us all. We need to form a cordon of strong hearts to ward off temptations from our brother, and to keep him from the hands of the destroyer. True brotherhood should make much of this. Warding off the outward ills which touch the body or the comfort of the home merely, is not sufficient to meet the needs of men. We need to help in warding off those evils which reach the very vitals of true manhood. The temptations which fight against the life and the lusts, which war against the soul, need most of all to be guarded against. The alien hands which strip the soul of its robe of purity and righteous character must be restrained. There are hungering of the heart for brotherhood which can only be satisfied with heartfelt sympathy. One is glad to be able to say that in the meetings of this and other fraternal orders from time to time there are those elements, and that all that takes place is elevating and helpful, and the fellowship cultivated which must strengthen all in the cause of right and truth.

"This world's not all a fleeting show
For man's delusion given, He that hath soothed a widow's woe Or wiped an orphan's tear doth know
There's something here of Heaven.
And he that walks life's thorny way
With feelings calm and even; Whose path is lit from day to day By virtue's bright and steady ray,
Hath something felt of Heaven.
He that the Christian's course hath run,
And all his foes forgiven; Who measures out life's little span In love to God, or love to man,
On earth hath tasted Heaven."

FRATERNITY AND BUSINESS

FRATERS: It is a satisfaction to be with you this evening. I like to attend lodge. I enjoy the welcome, the fraternal greeting, the glad hand, the pleasant smiles, the ready sympathy, the hearty fellowship of the lodge room. It is here we see and experience the better side or human nature and learn to know one another as something more than cold, calculating and selfish business automatons.

In this work-a-day-world, during "desk hours," we are too prone to surround ourselves with an atmosphere of business that almost forbids friendships. But in the lodge room, where the perplexities, troubles, cares and irritations of business are put aside, we come to realize that human nature is not altogether selfish, and that after all hearts beat and blood courses warm for others. Here, of all places, the exactions of business are not allowed to stand in the way of fellowship and brotherly regard. In lodges, other than those making use of such symbols, we as truly "meet upon the level and part upon the square."

In a neighbor's garden, amongst foliage that in curious shape wearies imagination, and flowers that in splendor of tint and witchery of odor shame imitation, I saw a plant clad in spines of forbidding sharpness and having nothing I could discover to win or merit admiration among that galaxy of beauties. One evening I received an invitation to again visit the garden, where I found that graceless plant wearing the glory of a flower resplendent in beauty and reveling in perfume. It was the Cactus Grandiflorus-the paragon of plants that unfolds its flower only to the stars and the silent night.

That spiney ugliness had hidden in its heart a thing of fragrance and beauty. Men at business may appear as graceless as that spine-clad plant, but in the lodge room human nature puts forth a flower, and we can forgive its business aspect for the beauty at its heart. Let each of us see to it that ours is a full-blossomed, perfect flower whose grace and fragrance shall be grateful to the Master of the garden.

It is necessary and right, both for the good of the individual and of society, that business be conducted in a systematic manner, but it seems to me that much of the abrupt formality generally accompanying its transaction could be dispensed with and more of the spirit of genial fraternity infused into it. Why should we have to wait till the sun goes down ?

"And the cares that infest the day Fold their tents like the Arabs And as silently steal away"
for fraternity to unfold its fragrant and beautiful flower?

ORGANIZATION AND ATTENDANCE

"What's the use of keeping up the lodge organization?" Sure enough what is the use? "I don't get any benefit from it." Of course you don't. Neither does the man who bandages his eyes and stuffs his ears lull of cotton get any good out of a theatrical performance. Neither does the church member receive any aid and comfort from his fellow member if he stays away from church and fails to pay his pew rent. The fact is, disgruntled brother, this is a big and busy world; and while most men will do a kind act, or at least speak a gracious word, if the opportunity to do the one or the other comes in their way, it is unfortunately true that few men have the time, even had they the inclination to go out of their way to find persons upon whom to bestow gracious words, much less kind acts. If you would have a share of good things in this life, you must keep in the swim; be on hand when the distribution takes place. There are many people in the world, and the chances are whatever there is to be passed around there won't be enough for all. Reach out your hand with the rest, or most surely you will be left. You habitually keep away from the lodge; possibly you are always behind in your dues and assessments; when the Order is brought up in conversation, you are about as well qualified to speak of its doings as of the cuneform inscriptions on the pyramids or the primordial germ theory; you lock yourself up in your own narrow individual environment, and throw the key overboard, and then expect that the world will leave everything else and go fishing for that key in order to release you. And it doesn't make any difference whether it is a lodge, church or engine company; if you don't show yourself occasionally and show that you are interested, you will be let severely alone, you will be utterly forgotten, and you won't get any benefit out of it. But instead of shutting yourself up in your own exclusiveness, suppose you come out of your hide-bound foolishness and bear a hand with the rest of 'em; my word for it, you will soon find that there is a great deal in the lodge organization, and before you are aware of it, you will have gotten lots of benefit out of it.

To lodge organizations and the true human fellowship begotten, fostered and perpetuated through attendance upon fraternal gatherings and observance of principles and precepts there inculcated and practiced, individuals owe much, and the race of man is very deeply indebted.

Gather as often as possible about lodge altars, and assist to the extent of your ability to fan fraternal fires into a bright and constant glow that shall warm into friendships loyal and lasting, and which, gradually extending with the growth of the order, will tend to assist other fraternities.

BEING SUDDENLY ASKED TO SPEAK

This call is really a surprise. I am a very bashful man, but unfortunately am so constructed physically as to be unable to make people understand that I am backward about coming forward. If a bashful man knows he has to speak it just spoils all his fun; he can't enjoy the entertainment a bit until his part of it is over. If friends must expose my inability to talk well, thanks are due them for not letting me know I should be called upon and allowing me to thoroughly enjoy myself up to this time. I have talked with men who have a reputation as after-dinner speakers who assured me that they could not half enjoy a dinner while trying to pull together thoughts worth uttering at its close.

It is said even of Chauncey Depew, that in company with ladies he was looking over a famous collection of paintings, among which was one of Daniel in the lion's den. One lady asked why it was that Daniel, who was in great danger, should look so happy and contented. Mr. Depew said he thought Daniel appeared so happy because he knew that when the banquet was over he would not be called upon for an after-dinner speech. "A touch of nature makes the whole world kin." "There are others" who feel shaky about speech-making.

A boy wrenched his leg, and his mother insisted on calling in an osteopath. This party manipulated the leg very freely and rather roughly for a time, then assuring the mother that he had everything in place and that the boy would soon be well, took his leave. The mother, thinking such manipulations must have been painful, complimented the boy on his courage and fortitude during the ordeal. The boy replied: "You don't think I was fool enough to give that osteopath the sore leg." If not satisfied with my talk I can take refuge in claiming that the wrong leg was pulled.

FAREWELL REMARKS

At this parting banquet you call for farewell remarks, and since the time my wife surprised me kissing a pretty girl I've not been at such a loss for speech. My remarks on that occasion might have been appropriately alluded to as "the infinity of silence." There is a saying that "out of a full heart the mouth speaketh," but I find it about as difficult to talk when the heart is full as when the breath is short. The "lump in the throat" is worse than a strangle hold."

"There are billows far out on the ocean That never will break on the beach; So waves upon waves of emotion May find no expression in speech."

I find myself "too full for utterance"-full of gratitude for many proofs of your friendship and esteem; full of regret for being under the necessity of severing my connection with "so goodly a company." What can I say that is fitting and worthy of this occasion? When most we feel, then are we least capable of giving our emotion vent in well chosen words. Elegant diction can seldom grace farewell remarks, for: "Of all such speech the silent part is best; of all expression, that which cannot be expressed." What is harder to appropriately frame in words than the bitter-sweet of farewells?

Friends, I thank you from the depths of my nature for this evening's manifestation of your kindly regard. I would be less than human if not deeply moved by it; less than human if I could fitly and fully express in words the emotions such kindly conduct engenders; only by "putting yourselves in my place" can you imagine my feelings and fairly understand what I would but cannot say.

"The ocean's deeps are mute; the shallows roar. Thought, sentiment, feeling are as the ocean; Words are but the bruit along the shore."

I am about to leave you; I regret the going, but duty calls me to other fields where I hope to find friends as true, companions as pleasant as those I leave behind. But no matter what new ties may be formed, wherever business or duty may lead me, wherever I may roam, under whatever skies I may dwell, I assure you I shall remember the good fellows here with gratitude for their kindliness, and will never cease to recall with pleasure the jolly times we have spent together. "Never can my soul forget the friends I found so cordial hearted." I shall bear with me memories of pleasurable hours, rich in social joys and jeweled with pure delights that will glow through charmed air, soft as midsummer night's dewy breath, bright and constant as the stars. Moments like these may be "as flowers that fade," but remembrance of them are a lasting perfume.

TOAST-TO THE LADIES

With my toast comes a great opportunity to lose both reputation and hair. The ladies have been and always will be a favorite theme for poets, painters, sculptors, song writers and speakers during moments of inspiration -or recklessness. However much I might desire to be so at this moment, I assure you I am not inspired, but just reckless enough to attempt "making good" for the apportionment accorded me.

It is said: " God made man; male and female made He them." Ladies are the best, the very best, part of humankind. They are more womanly than just women, and their influence tends to make men more manly than mere men. The ladies have ever been the molding, refining, purifying and elevating influence to make men and the world better and brighter. They are the ruling spirits of human society, the supreme queens of the universe to whom men bow and for whom men plan, labor and dare. Even such a prince among men as the great lawyer and diplomat, Choate, when asked who he would rather be if not himself, cast his eyes about until they encountered the gaze of his wife, meekly bowed his head and said in a tone of abject submission: "I would rather be Mrs. Choate's second husband." The big, courageous, lion-hearted man openly accepts the supremacy of some lady. Men who are brave, as well as those who are simply gallant, acknowledge the sway of the fair sex, and no toast will be more honored by loyal than "to the ladies." We hold them dear not merely because they are the most expensive part of our outfit, but because we sincerely reverence them.

To the mother who watched our cradle; whose bosom pillowed our childhood; whose sheltering arms encircled our boyhood; whose advice and sympathy guided and encouraged our youth, and whose loving care extends even into our manhood. To the sister whose gentle affection for us, unchanged by the years, is as true today as when we were children of one household. To the dear girl whose sweetness, purity, truth and loyalty were as a glimpse of heaven to our budding and awkward manhood, and to whom we pledged our sacred troth. To the wife, our partner, mate, comrade, chum; the lady who confidingly placed her hand in ours, who keeps close, constant and uncomplainingly at our side; who ministers to our comforts, inspires, encourages, brightens, sympathizes with and betters us. To the daughter whose fond and jealous eye can see in us no littleness or fault; whose unalloyed affection is a solace and a safeguard. Let us ever revere and cherish these as the brightest jewels of earth, gracious gifts, blessings without compare.

Let the toast then be to "The Ladies,"
All hearts that are manly approve;
The toast, the toast is "The Ladies,"
So give cheers for those whom you love;
Hip! hip! hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!
All cheer for The Ladies we love;
Hip! hip! hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!

STARTLETS FOR SPEECHLETS

FRIENDS: Being a very modest and bashful man such eulogistic introduction as has just been accorded me is really embarrassing. I am convinced that Brother Blank has somehow either formed an extravagant and unwarranted opinion of me or has allowed the occasion, or that which goes with it, to influence him to the extent of over-stating the actual facts, for he has so clothed the real with word-woven fanciful fabrics of rhetorical finery that I can hardly recognize myself in the gauzy attire. Bob Burdette tells us he tired of buying milk the cream of which went to the bottom instead of rising to the top, and decided to own a cow. He purchased what appeared to be a mild-mannered and docile lady bovine after seeing her milked once and being satisfied with the process and product. When milking time came, he repaired to the afore-mentioned lady bovine's presence to exact the lacteal tribute due. He confesses to being somewhat confused as to the subsequent events, but says he is quite sure he was polite, and followed the ceremonious formula customary at such functions, and asked her cowship to so, and as far as he could determine she so'd. He then requested her to histe, and he is quite convinced that she histed, and he dolefully added, while tenderly feeling of his court plastered and bandaged bruises: "I am inclined to the opinion that she overdid the matter and put too much expression in it." Now I am inclined to think brother Blank overdid my introduction; that he put too much expression in it. I am quite sure I shall not be able to meet all the expectations he has thus created of me.

An ignorant man announced himself as a candidate for the Legislature. "But you can't make a speech," objected a friend. "Oh that doesn't make any difference," innocently responded the candidate, "for the House always elects a Speaker." Now I wish lodges could elect a speaker and relieve a bashful man from the embarrassments of such occasions as this.

A great many years ago a very wise gentleman gave it as his opinion that "there is nothing new under the sun," and Josh Billings, while 'serving time" on earth indorsed Solomon's views when he said: "Mi private opinion is-that originality in writing was paled out long ago and the very best any man can do is to steal with good judgment." There are so many local and other occasions where speaking is on the program or is indulged in without previous notice, and so many speeches suitable to such occasions are cribbed, adapted, trimmed or redressed and repeated, it is difficult nowadays for one to say much that some one, at some time, has not already sprung at a similar occasion. Most of the stories and talks suitable for occasions like this have been told and heard, and are therefore considered "chestnuts' ' by some present. About Thanksgiving time the turkey gobbler said he wasn't afraid to die, but being stuffed with chestnuts afterward made him nervous. These occasions are really enjoyable if it were not for fear of being called on to crack chestnuts for the crowd. As my cracker is out of order this evening, you will surely be kind enough to excuse me from working it.

"A Swindle" is the name that appears over the office door of a struggling lawyer in the city of Stratford, Ont.

A friend of the unfortunate gentleman suggested the advisability of his writing out his first name in full, thinking that Arthur or Andrew Swindle, as the case may be, would sound better and look better than the significant "A Swindle." When Swindle with tears in his eyes, whispered to him that his name was Adam, the friend understood and was silent.

Now as your chairman has announced I will make a speech, and I feel that I am not "up to" such an undertaking. I fear that the announcement, coupled with the fulfillment, may be labeled with the aforesaid unfortunate lawyer's name. Oh, no, you would not swear. You would only pronounce a proper name-a most proper name for a lawyer. Beecher said there were times when-one must swear or burst, and he did not believe in bursting. By simply "calling up" our Canadian lawyer, you may on this occasion avoid both these extreme measures and still relieve yourselves of sentiments relative to any remarks being characterized as "a speech."

I find myself, at this time, somewhat in the predicament of the stuttering chap who, by the rules of the club, had to make a speech, sing a song, or tell a story. He said: "F-f-f-fellows, like W-W-Washington, I c-c-can't t-t-t-tell a st-st-story; like Old Hickory, I c-c-can't s-sing, like Grant, I can't make a sp-sp-speech, but I can let a f-f-fellow make one for me. Brother Blank is just bursting to let loose a speech, so I will make way for him. [When so desired this can be arranged to end with a song or story instead of speech.]

The best way for me to assist in the speech-making is in the manner a lady assisted her husband in his literary labors:

Mrs. Penfield-"My husband has found a way by which he says I'm of the greatest assistance to him in his literary work."

Mrs. Muchtalk-"How nice that is, but how are you able to do it?" into another room and keep perfectly quiet until he has finished."

A society dude asked Miss Oldmaid if she thought marriage a failure. She answered: "I don't know that marriage is a failure, but I know of efforts in that direction which have been," and she sighed dismally. I don't wish to intimate that speech-making on this occasion is a failure, but I am seriously concerned lest this effort at it will be.

It is said when a Frenchman is intoxicated he wants to dance, a German to sing, a Spaniard to gamble, an Englishman to eat, an Italian to boast, an Irishman to fight, and an American to make a speech. I assure you all I am perfectly sober, and yet do not want to attempt a speech. Moreover, I suspect before I am through, few of you will be in a condition to wish me to try another.

In answer to your call I rise with diffidence, and I will in all likelihood give you enough of it. I am capable of the worst kinds of oratorical somersaults.

I make no pretense to the gift of expression or any other talent that assists to acceptable speech-making, and I have no desire to make a ridiculous show of myself by attempting something I am not fitted for. I enjoy speeches only when attempted or accomplished by others. My silent part is best. Of all expression, that which cannot be expressed is both my "long suit" and "trump." I am not afflicted with verbal plethora, therefore, have few words to spew over these occasions. I would like to acquit myself credibly when speech-making is in order, but fear I shall never be able to do so. I don't seem to be built that way. The quiz master asked a medical student to name the bones of the skull. He answered: "I have got them all in my head but cannot think of their names." Now my speeches are in my head, but tongue or lips cannot coax them out.

A little girl on returning for the first time at church, was asked how she liked it. She said she liked everything except the piece the minister spoke. I am afraid you will like everything about my speech except the piece I speak.

An Irishman was accused by his master of treating the dog cruelly every morning so it howled. He protested that he could not be cruel to any poor dumb creature; that he was ordered to cut off the puppy's tail, and not wanting to hurt him more than necessary, he cut off a little every morning to make it easy for him. To make it easy for you I will give you my "tale of woe" in sections-and finish some other time.

A certain widow had engaged to marry a bachelor doctor of the village. She called her little boy to her and said: "Willie, I am going to do something before long, and want to tell you about it. I am intending to marry Mr. Blank in a few days." Whereat Willie replied: "Bully for you, ma. Does Mr. Blank know it?" Your chairman has told you I would make a speech. I wish I knew it. However, I will do what I can at it.

This unexpected call for a speech from me has just about upset me and spilled my ideas. It makes me feel very much like the lady who had just obtained a divorce -completely unmanned.

A minister called on one of the sisters who had a very large family that had recently been added to. As. he was about to leave she suggested: "But you haven't seen my last baby." "No, he replied, "and I never expect to." Now you haven't heard my last story, but here is the last one for to-night.
A minister, after entering the pulpit, discovered he had left the notes prepared for his sermon at home. It was too late to send for them. In explaining his predicament to the audience, he said he would have to depend on 'the Lord for something to say, but at the evening service he would come better prepared. Now I am not mean enough to pull the Lord into my scrape, but I would be glad to be better prepared for this occasion.

FRATERNAL TOASTS

Fraternity is embodied friendship; not visionary but real as truth; not abstract but incarnate. May each new day be fraught with deeds of faith and love like those passed between David and Jonathan or Damon and Pythias, knitting their souls together in true friendship, beam upon you from our glorious order, as upon the pathway of the just, which "shineth more and more unto the perfect day." Realize the sublime stanza of Schiller:
"Have love-not love for one, But man as man thy brother call, And scatter like the circling sun, Thy charities on all."

Blessed be our order. It stands for the brotherhood of man and for the home around which clusters the tenderest and best sentiments of the human heart. Like the spirit of liberty enlightening the world, like fountains in the desert watering a favored spot of earth and imparting fertility; like the Temple of Truth standing foursquare to every wind that blows, its every act and principle in harmony with the highest planes of human thought, aspiration and life.

"Men are growing more fraternal, You can see it on the street, Indicated by the emblems worn By hundreds that you meet.
Have you seen the button?
Here it is upon my coat,
And 'tis fraught with deeper meaning
Than a passing glance would note."
In closing I wish you all heavy purses and light hearts.
"A friend in the morning, a sweetheart at night, To fill you with pleasure and blissful delight."
May you always look about you with pleasure and above with gratitude.

May we always look upon the faults and frailities of others with the same eyes we look upon our own, and never forget that "to err is human, to forgive divine."
May the best day that you have seen be the worst that is to come.
Here's a toast to everybody; let none be slighted.sweet and pleasing essence the entire atmosphere of thisLet fraternity among all and other orders, hastening 1 members pervade with its the day "When man to m an the world over,and a' that." Shall brother be

May peace, harmony and concord exist among all [here fill in the name of order] and may every idle dispute and frivolous distinction be buried in oblivion. May we be more ready to correct our own faults than to publish the errors of a brother.
May unity, friendship and brotherly love ever distinguish the brethren of our order.
May we never condemn in a brother what we would excuse in ourselves.
To every pure and faithful heart who acts the true part.
Let us toast every brother, both ancient and young who bridles his passions and governs his tongue.
May the hearts of - - agree, although their heads should differ.
May every brother have a heart to feel and a hand to extend toward the stranger within our lodge room.
May prove as universal as it is honor able and helpful.
May we never murmur without cause, or have cause to murmur.
May no - make a sword of his tongue to wound the sensibilities or reputation of another.
May we always part with regret and meet again with pleasure.
May we always be able to look forward with pleasure and backward without regret.
May all disagreements be written in sand and our friendships in marble.
May you be crowned with length of days, and always command success by deserving it.

TOASTS

To present a toast at a home gathering, a social session of a fraternal order, or banquet table is a delightful accomplishment. There is always a demand for the one who is ever ready with an appropriate sentiment, and he who carries a pocket full of these roses of good cheer and love's messages, to throw to those around him, is certainly to be envied. Byron, that prince of toast- makers, expounds the philosophy of pleasure in these words:

"Let us have wine and women, mirth and laughter, Sermons and soda water the day after."
Cassius, in the tent scene of Julius Cassar, exclaims to Brutus,
"Give me a bowl of wine-in this I bury all unkindness."
And thus again Cassius pours forth his love to Brutus:
"My heart is thirsty for that noble pledge: Fill, Lucius, till the wine o'erswell the cup,- I cannot drink too much of Brutus' love."

We read of a fountain in Arabia upon whose basin is inscribed, "Drink and away," but how delicious is that hasty draught, and how long and brightly the thought of its transient refreshment dwells in the memory! Some believe in presenting a toast in the red juice of a crushed grape, others in the crystal water of the mountain spring. "Wine, to strengthen friendship and light the flame of love," and "Water, bright, sparkling with glee, the gift of our God, and the drink of the free."

"Here's to the one I love And may that one be he, Who loves but one, And may that one be me."

FRATERNITY OPENS THE GATES OF OUR HEARTS

Come, thou crown of speech. Come, thou charm of peace. Come, thou blessing of fraternity. Open the gates of our hearts. Lift the weight of our joy as we provide fraternal insurance protection for our loved ones. Let it roll on and on until it washes the unseen shores of eternity.-E. C. Spinney, President of Bankers' Union of the World, Omaha, Neb.

THE SUN'S RAYS OF FRATERNITY

May the influence of fraternal societies never wane; may their role of honor ever increase until all parts of the civilized world shall be lighted and warmed by the sun rays of fraternity.- W. W. Dodge, Worthy President, Fraternal Order of Eagles, Aerie 150, Burlington, Iowa.

Here's to those I love,
Here's to those who love me,
Here's to those who love those I love,
And here's to those who love those who love me.
-Famous Toast of Ouida.

HARSH WORDS

"Boys flying kites, haul in their white-winged birds, But you can't do that when you're flying words; Thoughts unexpressed may sometimes fall back dead, But God himself can't kill them when they're said."
- Carleton

Earth's noblest thing-a woman perfected.-Lowell.

TO MOTHER

To the one who loves us when fortune's bright, But more when the sky's overcast; Whose heart reveals, yet more conceals, Our mother! first and last! There are three faithful friends-an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.- Poor Richard's Almanac.

RIP VAN WINKLE

Here's to your good health, and your family's good health, And may you all live long and prosper.
- Used by Joseph Jefferson.

Here's to you, old friend, may you live a thousand years, Just to sort of cheer things in this vale of human tears; And may I live a thousand too-a thousand-less a day, 'Cause I wouldn't care to be on earth and hear you'd passed away. Happiness grows at our own firesides, and is not to be picked in stranger's gardens.
- Douglas Jerrold.

TO THE NEXT MEETING

Happy are we met, Happy have we been; Happy may we part, And happy meet again.

TO YOU

Here's to the girl that's good and sweet, Here's to the girl that's true. Here's to the girl that rules my heart- In other words, here'9 to you.

TO EVERY FATE

Here's a sigh for those who love me,
And a smile for those who hate; And whatever sky's above me,
Here's a heart for every fate.
-Lord Byron

TO FATHER TIME

I'll name a toast to you, I think, Old Father Time; There's none to whom I'd rather drink or rather rhyme, If you'll give me, when I reach life's brink, Some farther time.
The gladdest day that ever dawned
This morning's sunrise brought; Past days are only shadows now;
The future but a thought.

TO THE CHURCH

Unshaken as eternal hills,
Immovable she stands: A mountain that shall fill the earth,
A house not made with hands.
-A. Cleveland Coxe

Hang Sorrow! Care will kill a cat- And therefore let's be merry.
-George Wither

TO TO-DAY

The gladdest place creation holds
Is this bright world right here, For heaven is a far off hope,
And hell is but a fear.

TO TO-DAY

Ah, my beloved, fill the cup that clears
Today of past regrets and future fears; To-morrow! why to-morrow I may be
Myself with yesterday's seven thousand years!
-Omar Khayyam

TOASTS-PATRIOTIC

Here's to the ships of our navy, Here's to the ladies of our land,
May the former be well rigged, And the latter be well manned.

Breathes there a man with soul so dead Who never to himself hath said, This is my own, my native land! Whose heart hath ne'er within him burn'd, As home his footsteps he hath turn'd, From wandering on a foreign strand!
-Scott

Our hearts, our hopes, are all with thee, Our hearts, our hopes, our prayers, our tears, Our faith triumphant o'er our fears, Are all with thee, are all with thee.
-Longfellow

Sail on, O Ship of State! Sail on, O Union, strong and great! Humanity with all its fears, With all the hopes of future years, Is hanging breathless on thy fate!
-Longfellow

GOT THE BEST OF THEM ALL

Benjamin Franklin was dining with a small party of distinguished gentlemen in Paris when one of them said: "Three nationalities are represented here this evening. I am French, my friend is English and Mr. Franklin is an American. Let each of us propose a toast." It was agreed to and the Englishman, who was accorded first honors, arose, and, in the tone of a Briton bold, said: "Here's to Great Britain, the sun that gives light to all nations of the earth." The Frenchman was rather taken back at this, but he proposed: "Here's to France, the moon whose magic rays move the tides of the world." Franklin then arose with an air of quaint modesty, and said: "Here's to our beloved George Washington, the Joshua of America, who commanded the sun and moon to stand still-and they obeyed."

THE ROYAL CORN

Aye, the corn, the Royal Corn,
Within whose yellow heart
There is health and strength for all the nations.
Gov. R. J. Oglesby, of Illinois

THE SOUL

The health of the soul is as precarious as that of the body, for when we seem the most secure from passions we are no less in danger of their infection than we are of falling ill when we appear to be in good health.

Our enemies, in their judgment of us, come nearer to truth than we do to ourselves.

None deserve the character of being good who have not spirit enough to be bad; goodness, for the most part, is either indolence or impotence.
Self-love is the greatest of flatterers.

PARALLEL PROVERBS
(ENGLISH AND JAPANESE)

Too many cooks spoil the broth. Too many boatmen will run the boat on to a mountain.
Accidents will happen in the best regulated families. Even a monkey sometimes falls from a tree.
There is no accounting for tastes. Even a worm likes smartweed.
A fountain cannot rise higher than its source. From the spawn of frogs there will be nothing but frogs.
Out of evil good may come.
The lotus springs from the slime in the pond.
Avoid even the appearance of evil. Do not stop to tie your sandal in the melon patch of another.

TO THE END

May we all come to peaceful ends, And leave our debts unto our friends.

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