Chapter 16. The Secret of Popularity in Business-In Society-In the World-Popularity For All

By ORISON SWETT MARDEN, Editor of Success,

Whose books oh inspiration and self-help are famous the world over, and praised by men and women in every station of life, from the toiling laborer to the ruler of a great nation.

When you shake hands, grasp the hand as though you were glad to see the owner of it, not as though performing a perfunctory duty. Put your heart into your handshake. While you are holding the hand, look into the person's eyes and give him a smile from your heart. Let cordiality and geniality gleam in your very face.

"Getting what you want from kings or statesmen," DeBlowitz said, "is all a matter of dining with the right people." Through the power of his charming presence, his gracious manner, this famous journalist accomplished greater things at the dinner table, in the drawing-room or ball-room than any other newspaper man in Europe accomplished through letters of introduction, influence and special "pulls." His popularity, his power to interest and please others, was his strongest asset.

Aaron Burr had such an irresistible charm of manner that it was said he could not stop at the stand of even an old apple woman without making her feel that he regarded her as the fairest and most gracious of her sex. He would make himself as charming and agreeable to the most menial servant as to a dutchess or a princess.

Charles James Fox, the great English statesman, was an inveterate gambler, loose in his morals and a heavy drinker, yet his popularity was unbounded. Even the abstemious Edmund Burke was so enraptured with his genial, sunny, social nature and his cordial manners that he could not resist the influence of his charm, and for many years entertained a warm affection for him.

There have been great advocates at the bar whose charming manner, like the presence in court of some of the world's famous beauties, would so sway the jury and the judge as to endanger and sometimes actually divert justice.

A gracious, genial presence, a charming personality, a refined, fascinating manner are welcome where mere beauty is denied and where mere wealth is turned away. They will make a better impression than the best education or the highest attainments. An attractive personality, even without great ability, often advances one when great talent and special training will not.

There is always a premium upon a charming presence. Every business man likes to be surrounded by people of pleasing personality and winning manners. They are regarded as splendid assets.

What is it that often enables one person to walk right into a position and achieve without difficulty that which another, with perhaps greater ability, struggles in vain to accomplish? Everywhere a magnetic personality wins its way.

Young men and young women are constantly being surprised by offers of excellent positions which come to them because of qualities and characteristics which, perhaps, they have never thought much about-a fine manner, courtesy, cheerfulness, and kindly, obliging, helpful dispositions.

I know a young man who takes life easy, makes comparatively little effort to do things, and yet all doors seem to fly open to him. He is welcome everywhere, in society or in business, because his charm of manner and gracious personality are irresistible. His very presence disarms prejudice; you can not help feeing kindly toward him, and he attracts people to himself naturally.

We often hear people say they don't understand how such a one manages to get on so easily-why he is so popular with everybody; but they do not realize what an asset he has in his charm of personality. A man must be measured as a whole. His ability to get on should not be gagged by his brain-power alone, but by his persuasive force, his ability to please people, to interest them and to make them believe in him. His appearance, his manner, his atmosphere, his personality, his capacity to make friends and hold them-all these things are as much a part of his get-on assets as the gray matter in his brain. A sour face, a repulsive manner, an ugly, unusual nature often cover up and prejudice us against great ability.

I recall a young man whose crabbed disposition nullified a large percentage of his tremendous energy and his great brain-power. His hot temper and his sarcastic tongue are constantly neutralizing his friendships. He is a tremendous worker, and yet he is constantly tripping himself up by his repellent manner and his disagreeable disposition, and being held back in spite of his great ability and splendid energy, which, but for this handicap, would give him rapid advancement.

There are so many men of this kind who have plenty of ability, but who are deficient in qualities that attract, interest and please, that it is common to hear employers say that they have decided not to give such and such an applicant a position because of his bad manners, or because he lacked a good presence.

There is no substitute for personal charm, for a refined, magnetic manner, and in spite of the fact that most people believe one must be born with it or forever lack it, the quality can be acquired by anyone who will take as much trouble and pains to acquire it as would be necessary to accomplish anything else worth while.

Everyone would like to have a gracious manner, to be popular, to be loved by everybody. It is a legitimate ambition to be well thought of and admired by our fellow men. Yet the majority of us are not willing to make any great sacrifice to acquire this art of arts; in fact, we are all the time doing things which repel others and which inevitably tend to make us unpopular.

We have to take infinite pains to succeed in our vocations or any accomplishment worth while, and should we expect to gain the art of arts, the charm of personality, the power to please, to attract, to interest, without making great efforts? Selfishness in all its forms is always and everywhere despised. No one likes a person who is bound up in himself, who is constantly thinking how he can advance his own interests, and promote his own comfort.

The secret of popularity is to make everybody you meet feel that you are especially interested in him. If you really feel kindly toward others, if you sincerely wish to please, you will have no difficulty in doing so. But if you are cold, indifferent, retiring, silent, selfish; if you are all wrapped up in yourself and think only of w hat may advance your own interests or increase your own comfort, you never can become popular.

The great trouble with most unpopular people is that they do not take pains to make themselves popular, to cultivate lovable, attractive qualities. They are not willing to put themselves out to try to please others. Many of them, indeed, think it is silly to observe the many little courtesies and trifling civilities practiced by cultured people.

I know 'a man who thinks it is a sign of weakness to take any opportunity that offers to show little courtesies to ladies, to pick up a handkerchief, to open a door, to carry a parcel, or to offer any of the hundred and one little civilities which are so much appreciated and which, after all, are the great essentials of popularity. The result is that in spite of his wealth he is very unpopular.

We expect observances of the more important things even by selfish people, but it is the outward expression of kindly thought and feeling, the practise of little acts of courtesy, of thoughtful attentions, which sweeten and refine life and indicate a lovable nature.

A great many people who deplore their unpopularity and cannot explain why they are not understood, why they are shunned, make the great mistake of taking it for granted that they never can be popular.

How often we hear a person say, "I could not be agreeable nor popular if I tried. It is not my nature. I am naturally reticent, shy, diffident, timid. I have not cheek enough to push myself forward. I feel kindly toward people, but I can't take the initiative to try to interest them. I don't know how to talk to them. The moment I am introduced to a person, I am tongue-tied; I stand like a stick. People go away from me as soon as they can do so politely. They asked to be excused for a minute and never come back. My very consciousness and all my efforts to please are forced and cold, which only increases my embarrassment. It is no use for me to try to go against my nature.

The unwillingness to exert oneself to be sociable is much more common than a lack of ability to be so. Of course, it takes an effort to overcome a quiet, retiring disposition and inclination to shrink from meeting people, but it pays to try. The ability to put others at ease, to make them feel at home, especially those who are timid, shy and diffident, is a wonderful element in popularity.

Some people think that a sort of deceptive diplomacy is necessary to popularity; but if there is any quality which is absolutely essential, it is sincerity. Nothing else will take its place. There is no reason why we should pretend to be interested in another. We should be interested in him. It is much easier to be really interested, to know about a person, his occupation, his hobby, the things that interest him, than to pretend to be, just for effect. Pretense, deception and shams are fatal, because, if there is anything a person demands of another it is genuineness, sincerity, and the moment he finds that a person is only pretending to be interested in him, he looses his confidence, and confidence is the foundation of everything.

Nobody wants to hear another vaporize, palaver and pretend; nobody wants to feel that he is the victim of social diplomat who is trying to cover up his real self, pretending an interest in him, just as a ward politician feigns an interest in voters just before election. We all demand absolute sincerity, genuineness. People will very quickly penetrate masks. They can easily tell when anyone is shamming.

If you wish others to be interested in you, you must be interested in them. Listening itself is a fine art. There is nothing more flattering to a person than to feel that you are intensely interested in what he is saying. To be a good listener is next to being a good talker. But if you seem indifferent, if your eyes wander around the room and you seem bored when others are talking, they will lose interest in you.

It is not absolutely necessary to be a great talker in order to be popular, but it is necessary to be a good listener. I know a lady who is immensely popular, although she talks very little. It is a study to watch the changing expression upon her face caused by the play of thought as she listens.

If you will just make up your mind that there is something interesting in everyone you meet, and that you are going to find it, you will be surprised to see what facility of speech you will acquire.

Sour, cynical, fault-finding, sarcastic people often wonder why they are not popular, why people avoid them. It is simply because everybody likes to get into the sunlight, dislikes the dark, the gloom. We love harmony and hate discord, because we are built on the harmony, happiness principle. Discord is not native to our real selves.

The loss of popularity is often due to a complete change of mental attitude. It is only the positive creative qualities that attract. Worry, fear, discouragement and despondency are negative qualities. They are always and everywhere destructive and repellent. All forms of selfishness, all negative, abnormal qualities, such as gloom, despondency, melancholy, hatred, jealousy and envy, repel. On the other hand, love, kindness and all that is sweet, unselfish and beautiful, attract.

Parents and teachers should take great pains to encourage the development of social, agreeable, attractive qualities in children who seem to be naturally diffident, shy and timid, and who do not seem to possess any social qualities, because the training to be popular will change their whole future status in society.

One's success in life and capacity for enjoyment may depend upon this early training in popularity. It makes an immense difference to one whether he is so trained that he develops an attractive, interesting personality or a cold, repellent, unsocial one.

Tact is an imperative quality for the aspirant to popularity to cultivate. We all know how people with good hearts often hurt others by saying unkind things, although with the best intentions. It is not enough to say the right word and to do the right thing, but it must be said and done at the right moment. If it is ill-timed-even a little too early or a little too late-its effect is lost. It is not enough to mean to be kind. The fact that you did not intend to hurt another does not heal the wound that tactlessness and thoughtlessness inflicted.

If people get the impression that you do not like to be disturbed, to be recognized in public, that you are on your dignity; if you have an exclusive, don't-touch-me sort of atmosphere, you will not get into their good graces. They may admire you for some special attainment, some particular thing you have accomplished, but it will be from a distance, as they would admire a mountain or an iceberg. They will not love you.

It is of very great importance to the aspirant to popularity to remember names and faces. James G. Blaine owed a great deal to this faculty. People were surprised, when meeting him after a lapse of years, to hear him recall trivial circumstances in connection with their former meeting. Mr. Blaine laid great stress on the ability not only to remember names and faces, but pleasant incidents.

If your memory of personalities is poor, you will find the late Thomas B. Reed's plan wonderfully helpful. Mr. Reed said that he never looked at a man without noticing some peculiarity or some striking thing in his appearance which would help to recall him-which would fix him indelibly in his memory-a line, a wrinkle, the expression of the eye, the curve of the lips, the shape of the nose-something in that particular person's face or manner that impressed itself indelibly on his mind, and which distinguished him ever after from the rest of mankind.

We constantly hear people in society apologize for their poor memory of names and faces. They say that they never could remember them, but this is usually mostly due to the lack of taking pains, lack of interest.

There are some faces and some names we never forget, simply because we were particularly attracted to the persons at the first meeting by some striking affinity between them and ourselves. This shows that attraction is largely a question of a real interest in the person we meet. People who have poor memories for names and faces do not observe closely. They do not get a distinct mental image of the face and expression of the person they meet, do not study the face and personality and make an effort to remember them. They do not focus their minds upon the face and figure with the intention and expectation of getting a distinct impression that will remain. They simply bow or shake hands with the stranger in a perfunctory, mechanical way and go away with no positive image of either his name or personality, and perhaps ten minutes after the meeting, they could not recall anything about the person they have just been talking with.

When you are introduced to a person, try to get not only a clean-cut impression of the face by scanning it carefully, but look into the person's very soul and endeavor to get hold of something that will remain with you.

Be sure you get the name accurately. Many people never hear distinctly the name of the person introduced.

If you would be popular, you must cultivate cordiality. You must fling the door of your heart wide open, and not, as many do, just leave it ajar a bit, as much as to say to people you meet. "You may peep in a bit, but you cannot come in until I know whether you will be a desirable acquaintance." A great many people are stingy of their cordiality. They seem to reserve it for some special occasion or for intimate friends. They think it is too precious to give out to everybody.

Do not be afraid to open your heart, flinging the door of it wide open. Get rid of all reserve; do not meet a person as though you were afraid of making a mistake and doing what you would be glad to recall.

You will be surprised to see what this warm, glad handshake and cordial greeting will do in creating a bond of good-will between you and the person you meet. He will say, "Well, there is really an interesting personality. I want to know more about this lady or gentleman. This is an unusual greeting. This person sees something in me, evidently, which most people do not see"

Some people give you a shudder, and you feel cold chills creep over you when they take hold of your hand. There is in it no warmth, no generosity, no friendliness, no real interest in you. It is all a cold-blooded proceeding, and you can imagine you hear one of these chilling individuals say to himself, "Well, what is there in this person for me? Can he send me clients, patients or customers? If he does not possess money, has he influence or a pull with influential people? Can he help or interest me in any way? If not, I can not afford to bother with him."

How different it is when one takes your hand in a warm, friendly grasp, and looks at you with a kindly, genial smile as though he really wanted to get acquainted with you! You know there is a kind heart and a genuine man behind the cordial hand grasp, and your heart glows in response.

Cultivate the habit of being: cordial, of meeting people with a warm, sincere greeting, with an open heart; it will do wonders for you. You will find that the stiffness, diffidence and indifference, the cold lack of interest in everybody which now so troubles you will disappear. People will see that you really take an interest in them, that you really want to know, please and interest them.The practice of cordiality will revolutionize your social power. You will develop attractive qualities which you never before dreamed you possessed, and you will astonish yourself at your quick development of social graces and real charm.

How often we find men and women who, although ignorant of conventional etiquette or the usages of so-called polite society, who perhaps have lived in the back country all their lives, but are so gracious and lovable that we never think of them as lacking in any of the essentials of true breeding. Their large-heartedness, their magnanimity, their desire to scatter joy and kindness, their transparency of character more than compensate any ignorance of formal etiquette or social codes.

I have in mind a woman who, although she has never been in what is termed society, is yet the very embodiment of good breeding. She has such remarkable tact and manages everything so delicately, tastefully and beautifully that her acquaintances all look upon her as a model of ladylike behavior. Whatever she says always seems to be just the right thing. Everybody who knows her loves her, and no one would think of her doing a wrong thing. Kindness constitutes her social code, and it never fails or puts her in any embarrassing situation.

The great secret of doing the proper thing just at the right time is, after all, a kind, loving heart, tact and common sense.

Many men who were reared in backwoods country places and had never been in what is known as polite society, when elevated to positions of honor, such as governors of States and members of Congress, have conducted themselves with such propriety and ease of manner that no one thought whether or not they observed the mere conventional forms of etiquette. Their largeness of heart, kindness and cheery goodwill toward all make them universally beloved and popular.

Lincoln was one of the most notable examples of the far-reaching influence and irresistible power of this finer large-heartedness, this magnanimous spirit of good-will.

Scan the pages of history and you will find that the majority of our Presidents, statesmen and public men who had this happy, unselfish spirit, this cordial, kind manner toward all, no matter what their shortcomings in other respects, were the men who made the most friends and were most popular with the people.

After all, are not action and reaction equal? Do we not receive about what we give? Is not the world a whispering gallery which will return a harsh or pleasant tone, according to what we send forth?- a mirror that will reflect the face we show before it? If we smile, will it not smile back? If we frown, will it not frown in return? If we look at it with contempt, shall we not get a contemptuous expression in return ?

A kind heart, a loving spirit, a feeling of good will toward everybody will make you beloved, admired and respected; will make you feel at home in any society.

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